Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
no, he came in my armpit
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
