I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize