Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
