i jhust puked up my retainher.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
