I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
