Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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