I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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