just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
