apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
