god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
