my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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