You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
