just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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