I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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