If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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