Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Success! We fucked roommates!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
