he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
well you can't waste a boner
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
