Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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