And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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