he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
