Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
