he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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