it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
