if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
