I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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