Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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