A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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