Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
