Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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