Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
