Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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