Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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