you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
