Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
