She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
