hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
