Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
