They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
