yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
