Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
