I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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