who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
