When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
