When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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