If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
