What a fucking waste of an outfit
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
