peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
