is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
