There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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