I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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