i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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