how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize