i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
