i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
