she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
