im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
