When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
