I wanna bring you to show and tell
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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