Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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